I didn't think I'd miss it. I really didn't. Menstruation, I mean. I was raised to think that it was dirty. Nasty. Filthy. "The Curse."I thought that it was messy, smelly, and terribly inconvenient. Especially when I had lots of other things to do like dates, or weekends, or plane trips. It always seemed to arrive at the most inconvenient time.
After I married, I got rather used to it. My husband didn't like it, and he used it as an excuse not to have sex. "You are coming down with your period." He would say. Of course, we only had sex about once a week anyway, so it wasn't a big deal for him to refuse me. It was for me. One of the reasons I got married was to be able to have sex every night if we wanted it. And I wanted it. He didn't.
When I was pregnant, I didn't get my period. That was okay, I was growing a baby. A wondrous thing. I didn't miss the smell or the mess.
After I had my babies, I had an ovarian cyst. The right ovary was removed. I asked the doctor to tie my tubes too. But he forgot. About a year later, I had him tie them anyway. Then I started to have problems; dull aches, unexplained bloating, and finally, pain during intercourse. One day, I thought I had appendicitis so I went to the Emergency Room. After a short examination, the doctor announced: "You're just ovulating on the right side. It's nothing to worry about."
"Uh...I had my right ovary removed about two years ago." You should have seen the look on his face as he consulted my chart where that information was there for all to see. I spent the rest of the day full of enemas being examined by ultrasound and nobody could see anything wrong except for a vague swelling. Sure guys, that vague swelling is my bloated rectum and my bursting bladder! Exploratory surgery was ordered the next day and I was admitted. Hysterectomy was an option.
When I awoke from the anesthetic, I had been neutered. Everything was taken: uterus, fallopian tubes, cervix and my remaining ovary. While they were in the neighborhood, they also took my appendix. Once the shock wore off, I was elated. No more periods! No more smell! No more tampons!
No more sex.
Once I was deprived of my baby making equipment, I was no longer desirable to my husband. Of course, he had previously taken any excuse to not have sex with me anyway, but that is another story altogether. He took a lover. Some anorexic, post adolescent blonde.
After our divorce and sending both kids to college, I find myself at the normal age of menopause. I already had the hot flashes. I really didn't have the mood swings because the hormones were gone suddenly, not slowly. Now I have had a lumpectomy and radiation. My body looks like a roadmap for another place. I wasn't able to grow old gracefully. They took it from me. And now I miss it. That which proclaimed: "You are woman. You are purified and cleansed. You have the ability to create life."
I became the Crone suddenly and unwillingly. Unready. Unprepared. I didn't know that I needed the time to get used to the idea. I needed the time to grieve for the Mother who was stripped from me. The Maid grew into the Mother with my first period, but I was asleep and unready to have the Mother taken away. I thought I was willing, but I wasn't, and now I want it back.
The Curse was smelly. It was messy and terribly inconvenient. You never know you loved something until it's gone. I miss it.